Mended

            This is the first time I am looking back into the past after two years. The moment I peeled off the final piece of cloth - to reveal what I imagined would be a searing wound - I can feel all the air sucked right out from my lungs. Breathlessly, I find myself staring at a faint scar that was once drenched in pain. As much as I was broken back then, I am better now; although I can never tell if it really was time that healed me. I used to think that there was no way out of my misery but I was wrong. As time goes by, my grief faded away and it fetched self-pity along. If I were to frame my feelings into a timeline that started from year 2010 to present day, I can hardly mark the exact moment I began to feel better. Maybe I was a little too occupied worrying about how ugly the scar might turn out and let slipped the true meaning of scar. 

Let just say, I simply forgot that scar only forms after the wound heals.

A Broken Human

How do you mend yourself when you are broken emosionally? Like a glass shattered into pieces. Will it be the same piece of glass again? My guess is no. You will never be the same because even if you manage to pick up and put those bits together, the cracks and scar stay. Maybe given a time the wound will heal but how long does it takes? A month, half a year or 10 years. What if you never recover?

I have been drowning in these thoughts for some time now. No matter how much efforts that I put in I'm no where near to be saved. Some people told me that I'm torturing myself for a mistake I did not make, others are saying that I took things too seriously but most of them simply don't understand nor do they care. If so why pretend to be concerned. When all of you asking if I'm OK, does my answer matters or you are just putting up a mask thinking that "I consider myself as your friend and I should ask for the sake of asking".

Eventually, I learned to be pretentious as well. I pretend that I'm alright in when I'm in the crowd. I pretend to take things easily when i'm not. I pretend to laugh at their tedious jokes. I pretend to go with the flow when i'm clinged to some other things. After such a long period of acts and mimics, I even deceive myself that I'm going to be OK after all.

However, deep down I know I'm not.